Dr. Brené Brown, who researches emotions, defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Simply put, shame is the thought/feeling of “I am bad.”
Even if you are an excellent parent, your child will experience shame. The best weapon to combat shame is the practice of self-compassion. We cannot address shame when our children are overwhelmed by it. Instead, we must use self-compassion as a proactive daily practice to develop the skills we need to fully process shame in a healthy way.
Dr. Kristin Neff has dedicated her career to the research and discovery of self-compassion, which is composed of three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement
Self-compassionate people show warmth and understanding to themselves when they experience difficulties. They know that a full life includes painful experiences, and they know how to comfort themselves with kind words. Those who self-judge are overly critical of themselves, their circumstances, and others. They do not have the necessary coping skills to deal with hard things.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
People who practice self-compassion accept that we all suffer and that sometimes our “best” is not “good enough”. Those who isolate tend to believe that bad things only happen to them or that they are the only people who struggle to succeed.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Self-compassionate people are mindful, which is the ability to observe thoughts and feelings without judgment. Being mindful allows people to notice thoughts and feelings without attempting to fix, suppress, control, or deny them. People who over-identify tend to believe their thoughts and feelings as truth that require a reaction.
You can easily teach your children self-compassion by answering these three questions with them every day. The best way to do this is to write the answers in a daily journal so your children can see how they are growing in self-compassion.
What is something you did well today? This question teaches self-kindness by opening the door for the discussion of what they can and cannot control. If they mention something good that happened, just remind them you are looking for something they did well. If they cannot give an answer, give them one. Go out of your way to point out something your children do that they should be proud of daily.
What is a mistake you made today? This question is why doing this activity with your children is important. This helps your children embrace that everyone makes mistakes (common humanity) and that doing so is a normal part of life.
Do you need to do anything about that mistake? This question allows you to see if your children are mindful or if they simply react to their thoughts and emotions. For example, they feel that they need to apologize or blame someone because they are embarrassed about tripping in the hallway, versus they need to apologize for pushing a friend when they tripped. Over time, they will learn to just observe their thoughts/feelings and become intentional about addressing what requires a response.
Help your children become resilient to shame by asking and answering these three questions with them every day.
Dr. Beth Long received her education in Counseling Psychology from Chapman University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Beth has worked in six unique clinical environments across the country and currently owns Works of Wonder Therapy in Montgomery. Beth utilizes the knowledge from a variety of different disciplines to give her patients the best care possible. To learn more visit www.worksofwondertherapy.com.
