The holidays are a time for joy, connection, and celebration. But for many parents, they are also a time of heightened anxiety. Examples of common concerns are: Will my child say “thank you” for that less-than-thrilling gift? Will they refuse to eat Grandma’s special casserole? Will they have a meltdown before the main course?
While these concerns are widespread during the holiday season, the solution may be an approach that works year-round: proactive and positive teaching. Good manners don’t appear by magic. They are a set of skills that can be taught, practiced, and reinforced over time. And the work you put in now will pay dividends not just at holiday dinners, but in every social situation your child will ever face.
The Struggle With Self-Regulation
Experts say that there’s a reason so many children struggle with basic courtesy. Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior, points to a “crisis of self-regulation” in modern children. She cites changes in how and where children play, their access to technology and social media, and a decrease in meaningful “employment” (household chores and responsibilities that build confidence and a sense of community).
Manners are a form of self-regulation. They require a child to pause, consider the feelings of another person, and choose a response that is socially appropriate. Children do not intuitively know these skills. As educator Gayle Whitworth puts it: “Children aren’t born with manners. They learn them through observation, experience, and guidance. And just like any skill, manners take time to develop.”
The Evidence for Etiquette Education
The good news is that intentional teaching works. A study on the effects of an etiquette education program showed promising results. The study found that children who participated in structured etiquette instruction showed significant improvements in overall prosocial behavior, emotional control, and adaptability compared with a control group.
Another study examined the effects of teaching tea etiquette to preschoolers and found that it enhanced their attention spans and their ability to control their emotions. This suggests that the process of learning and practicing manners contributes to the development of core executive functions like attention and self-regulation.
Practical Tips for a Polished Holiday
So, how can you apply these principles to the holiday season and beyond? Here are some suggestions:
1. Set Expectations Before You Arrive: This is the most common and arguably the most effective teaching opportunity. Don’t assume your child will know how to behave at a large family gathering. Go over the plan for the day. Explain where you are going, what will happen, who will be there, and what kinds of foods will be served. Be specific about your expectations. A vague command to “be good” is much less effective than a specific reminder like, “Remember to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ at the dinner table.
2. Practice Makes Permanent: It helps to remind children that everyday manners are just as important as Sunday/holiday manners. Good manners needn’t be saved for company. Practice polite behavior at home so that it feels natural. This includes practicing mealtime manners during regular dinners, as well as specific skills like greeting guests and saying thank you for gifts.
3. Role-Play Tricky Scenarios: This is a powerful tool that many experts recommend. To help your child navigate a potentially awkward situation, rehearse it at home. For instance, you could role-play receiving an undesirable gift. Try something like: “You know, Grandma Mary may give you a gift you don’t like, but remember to say thank you and give her a nice hug”. This gives your child the confidence to handle difficult moments with grace.
4. Involve Them in the Process: Children are more likely to be invested in an event if they have a stake in it. Involve your child in the planning and preparation for the holiday or occasion. They can help decorate, set the table, choose a recipe, make a dish, or help shop for gifts. This builds a sense of ownership and responsibility, making them more likely to want the day to be a success.
5. Use a Signal: To avoid nagging or correcting your child in public, arrange for a secret signal ahead of time. It could be a raised eyebrow, two raised fingers, or a specific word. This allows you to discreetly remind them of the behavior you expect without causing embarrassment. And they can signal you back if they need a “rescue” from an uncomfortable situation.
6. Handle Mishaps With Grace: Even with the best preparation, things can go wrong. If your child makes a social misstep, experts recommend temporarily removing your child from the situation. Using a calm voice, explain, ‘Your comments were very hurtful to your uncle. It is never OK to hurt someone’s feelings.” Correcting them in front of others can be humiliating.
7. Conduct a Post-Event Review: After the event, have a private conversation with your child. Review what went well. Praise them for the situations in which they handled themselves as expected. While you can certainly bring up areas for improvement, the focus should be on what they did right. This reinforces the positive and makes them more likely to repeat the behavior.
8. The Real Gift: Ultimately, teaching your child good manners is about more than just surviving a holiday dinner. It’s about giving them a crucial set of social and emotional skills that will help them build strong relationships, navigate the world with confidence, and become empathetic, caring individuals. And that is a gift that truly keeps on giving.
Shannon Dean is a freelance writer and the mother of two sons. She specializes in writing about families and women’s health.
